Opening My Eyes

Why write?
A memoir is a collection of memories.
My memories.
My selected memories.

Crazy_cool_Joe_me


Writing my story based on my memories from a series, or a selection,
of events and experiences in my life.
Certain memories will create a thread and with these memory threads
I will create a web of meaning and understanding.

I’m not writing an auto-biography.
Maybe I will later in life, but for now I’m just trying to make sense
of my life, by examining what I have gone through.
I am examining all my memories, and I’m already in the process of
getting ‘eureka moments’…
enlightenments and insights about myself.

The words of my mentor and friend echo in my head.
Over the past 3 years in particular she has been trying to
explain to me why I should refocus my energy…
stand my ground and
be true to my starting point.
Where was that? How did I begin?
What has changed?

Yui

And not drain myself the way I was doing.
Not giving of my time (and money) and energy
as much as I had been doing,
but focus on my foundation and my mission.
Yes,
Not follow the needs of others,
but stay true to my mission.

Stay true to my call from the sky.
True to my mission.
Keep my integrity.
And all along…..
this has been my responsibility to myself,
I can’t blame anyone else for this.
..and yet….. I wasn’t even aware….

hide

I wasn’t able to see it.
At all….!!
But ..well now seeing all these memories spread out on my time line,
I suddenly became aware!
I could see it!!
Aware of the change that has come into my work
into my life, over time.
And even if a lot of it was amazing, fun, wonderful memories,
I had also little by little changed my path.
I wasn’t even aware
and I was too proud to listen,
to even try to listen and understand.
and way too HAPPY with my life
just the way it was.
After all just recently I came out of surgery
and made it out alive from cancer.
I didn’t want to miss a single moment of the euphoria,
and the love I felt.

Anna Post cancer surgery Oxygen

Now I will just have to take these memories and put them into a story.
A story that will communicate my perspective and truth to others.

Tsuyoshi Smle Oct 2012

How I got from there … for example from  listening to
DAZZLE! and seeing Tsuyoshi’s smile.
….to this moment today!

According to http://writingthroughlife.com/
There are 5 reasons for writing

  1. Writing your memoir helps you to identify the threads and themes in your life and make sense of what you’ve lived.
  2. Writing about your life is a healing and transformative journey.
  3. Your memoir contributes to recorded history and is your legacy
    to family, friends, and the world.
  4. It provides a way to share your experiences, world view, life lessons, and wisdom with others.
  5. It connects you with others who have experienced the same or similar situations, providing encouragement, comfort, and inspiration. It helps others understand they are not alone in their experiences.

So yes this makes sense.
Number 1 I’m already starting to see the effects of.
The somewhat traumatic feelings in the beginning of this year
must have been a result of previous actions.
If I don’t examine those previous events, I won’t ever be able to grow,
to learn
to move forward
without understanding, I won’t be ale to heal
so number 2 is also a given because..
well, because I do want to heal,
I want to amend,
I want to forgive
and to be forgiven.
I want to be understood!

Number 3 Is a hope for me, that through my story readers will gain
a peek into scenes they might be interested in.
Maybe some of you have thought about a similar journey,
Maybe you want to know more on a personal level how I
with my Western background (whatever that is?)
interpreted what I experienced in Japan.
Maybe my Japanese friends, and Japanese people in general,
want to know more about who I am?
What I have done in Japan.
Who I met.
What the outcome was…
well nr 4 then ties in with the above.

Number 5 .. Maybe so… that remains to be seen if there are others
out there who feel they can connect with my journey..
because
yes I long for being understood,
and like all people I want to feel like I belong somewhere,
that I am connected.

So how do I go about this?
Well honestly I have never before written a book.
So I need skills and tools.
According to Stephen King, and many other authors,
reading is essential, as is writing.
So that’s why I started this blogging streak,
to get it going…
For reading I read both non-fiction and fiction.
Non-fiction for picking up skills,
fiction to improve my vocabulary.

Telling True Stories

This was it for today!
Tomorrow I’m thinking of sharing some actual memories with you!

 

 

 

 

A New Era

Anna Cei April 2017

Since I decided to write a book, there is no better way to get the writing going, but to write.
The book demands a lot of research, organizing and editing of old material.
So I felt the blog can function both as a little break every day from working with the book, as well as a tool for the writing process in itself.
I therefore decided to restart the blog.
My goal is to put something down every day, no matter how short.
Sometimes I will be posting thoughts, at other times I will publish never before published material from live gigs, events or special occasions.
This will also help me organize the book.
Sometimes there might be overlaps with this blog, my Facebook or my instagram.
I got the idea for a book already last fall, but life pulled me in all kinds of directions and there just wasn’t the mental space I needed.
In January my life came tumbling down, partially a shock,
partially a wake-up call.
Many things had been poorly managed, both by myself and others.
I needed a break from life itself. I felt cornered in, accused and I couldn’t defend my position at all.
I needed, and still need, space and time to think.
Of course I felt, and still feel, a lot of guilt, but also I had an urging sense inside me of ‘knowing’ what was going to happen, and at the same time,
I can’t be the only one to blame. Or maybe I can… I really don’t know yet.

Enough about that part, I wanted to pull my breaks. To a complete stop.
My body was hurting, My mind was hurting,
I was hurting.
I needed alone time, I needed space and I needed it immediately.
The first couple of months this year,  I was just in some kind of mental coma.
I cried. I slept. I did art work. I slept a lot. I meditated. I used all my brain power some days only to find myself waking up in the morning with an understanding, and then at night completely rejecting my own thoughts from the same morning.
But there were occasional clear moments. I started putting things down.
I created a huge mind map of sorts with people and places.
I created a time line. I wanted to understand what were the factors and happenings that led up to this very moment in January.
Then the book idea came back to me.
I often felt I had no voice. I wasn’t able to present anything from my point of view …not completely. it was like I was talking on another frequency at times.
Even though I had wonderful help from a translator, what I was saying, maybe partially due to how I was saying it, wasn’t understood. …. at all!

There is a saying in Japanese: 井の中の蛙大海を知らず
The frog in the well knows nothing of the great ocean.

Everyone has there own well, so do I. We believe that’s the extent of our universe. The well is THE universe. The social rules, how we communicate and act with others are formed by our well.

When I started digging and visualizing my own time line for the past 100 months then I saw it right in front me. There was definitely a cause and effect.
All the things I had gone through, all the people I had met, all the countries I had visited.
I had started grad. school. I had dropped out the same grad school.
I had heart problems with a cardiologist telling me I needed a pace-maker now, or I’d be gamling with my life.
I had been in a wheel chair, not knowing if I’d ever be ale to walk again due to a spine that herniated at multiple disks, and eventually also fractured.
My S/I joint was falling apart and into crumbles.
I received steroid injections.
I got a fentanyl patch, and other very strong pain medications, to help me get through the day. There were days when I vomited because of pain.
There were days when knives cut my bones.
I have gone through cancer….. twice… first a colon cancer, then a year later ovarian cancer with a complete hysterectomy.
Following that hysterectomy I got sepsis and I had to return to the hospital after only a few days in ‘freedom’.
I’d gone through a divorce.
I went to Vanuatu in the South Pacific, fascinated by their multilingual societies and tribes. Noticing how the nation was under a huge threat of exploitation by the tourism industry, and there was nothing I could do about it. The country has no natural resources. They are extremely poor.
Do you blame them? Probably not. It is a fact though, that the exploitation created new social structures and new kind of wealth.
I went to Japan…with a  Japan Rail Pass. I did it to meditate and contemplate over a very difficult situation at home. Another time in my life when I just took a time-out much like I’m doing now. Spending time with only myself.
Once in Japan, I got my call from the sky. A magic moment I have talked about many times. The moment when I decided to jump and leave my life as I knew it, and jump into the unknown.
I started a project with people in UK, but due to my cancer surgery it got put on ice.
I created a new life in Japan. In the beginning only 3 months at the time due to temporary visa rules. For almost 3 years I lived with dragging all my belongings across the globe, spending 3 months in Japan, 3 months elsewhere. that included carrying my iMac around in a suitcase.
A bit simplified chronologically but yes…
Early on in Japan I saw a place where my passion and my skills were needed and I decided to create what later became The Pink Spider Web,
I didn’t know the Japanese language at all, but I was curious why they operated the way they did in a world that somehow didn’t match up.
The music industry, the artists, the labels, the venues.
They needed change management.
Little did I know then, that putting Japan, or Japanese, in the same sentence as change, is quite difficult to do.
In Japan I went through extreme happiness, even euphoria and romance,
and I also went through a very shocking and awful break-up.
I still decided to carry on and created a project loosely based on the film project with UK some 3-4 years earlier.
I never paused, how could I?
I had a mission , a call…
Through cancer, and pains, through divorce and then later the break-up with the one man that has meant the most to me in my life …pure connection and love, or so I believed for a long time.
I kept on fighting for what I believed in.
And during the whole time I kept my face smiling and always sparkling with energy.

It was bound to collapse. I was bound to collapse, but I never showed anyone. Already in June last year, I got so sick and my body was a wreck,
but I decided to keep on going … I had made promises to so many people,
I wanted them to connect, I want the frogs to unite and see the ocean!

The book will be my way of dealing with all this… finally… it’s about time.
The book will also hopefully help foreigners outside of Japan, who are interested in Japan and Japanese culture in general, and more specifically to get a glimpse ‘back stage’, what it is like to be on a mission as a ‘gaijin’ (foreigner) in Japan in the music field.
Not everyone can afford te luxury to take a vacation in Japan, and fewer yet can take a year or more to explore Japan.
I also want the book to tell my story for the Japanese. The many people that have met me, some deeper, some more briefly. But also for all those Japanese who always wondered what a foreigner thinks about their culture, their society, their ways of socializing.
Someone who has been here a while.
I also want my Japanese friends, my closer ones, who never quite understood what the hell happened, I want to tell them in my own words,
how I think and feel, and why I have been acting the way I have.
It’s huge project to write this book. I need to go through material and revisit times that at times are very emotional.
Failures,
Misunderstandings.
Shortcomings.
Stuff I must deal with one way or another.
But also my moments of shared success.
Feelings of really connecting with another person, across language barriers,
So stay with me.
I will put something in here every day.
A video
A photo
A text.
Sometimes related to the book, sometimes not at all.
And I’m sorry due to time constraints, I wont translate these blog posts in to Japanese. Maybe at a later date someone wants to do that, but for now they will be in English only.
The book on the other hand will definitely be translated in to Japanese, and who knows maybe other languages as well.
I will do this while remaining in my cave, on my own, being in contact with almost no one on a daily basis.
My writing cave.

 

 

 

 

Calm Like a Pond

I’m trying to be calm like this pond,
I’m trying very hard in several aspects of my life right now
not to FIRE up all my neurons and
not go totally angry, mad or passionate….
My computer decided to suddenly reject recognition of the mouse
I bought yesterday!
Right in this moment I cannot do anything much about it,
more than what I have tried so far.
Beyond this I need tech support, and none is available at midnight…
not even in Tokyo!

Other areas of frustration are similar in nature,
but hopefully not due to malfunctioning people,
but more in line with cultural differences.
Once again I need to slow down,
and I must realize that the rest of the world
does NOT operate at the same crazy speed as I am!

It’s ok , or at least I HOPE it will be…
– I will TRY my best to stay calm,
just as I did when practicing with the brush earlier today!