Where in the crowd? Oh, within me..

So many people…..

WHERE IS MY BELOVED ONE ???
MY SPECIAL LOVE

I want to share something someone very special to me just sent to me.
She and I are ‘sisters’ and share a special connection made at
Miura Reien in May this year. I have never met her, but know that she has a special STAR in heaven!

The timing for this link, that she sent me, was so amazingly perfect
(as you can probably imagine if you read about my sad realizations
earlier tonight)….
Tonight’s late blog post is about LOVING the ‘wrong’ people…
where you get nothing in return,  and not finding that ULTIMATE,
content and peaceful end goal in life called a
Relationship.
I feel this struggle of finding that perfect LOVE constantly, and at
the same time I am so sick and tired of it all…
the games, the disappointments, and the fact that no man that ever
catches my interest is feeling anything for me, or more commonly is
not the kind of man I need or want in my life…
This morning I woke up to a private message in my Facebook inbox
with a “love letter” formulated in such a way, that I felt forced to
unfriend this person and even block that person from writing
to me again. Sadly…. in a way…

Once when I was about 21 years old I did find that special LOVE,
and I do treasure it still today, but life wanted differently and now
we are way far from each other.
In a way I have been thinking of him as a SOUL MATE,
probably it is more or less nostalgia and memories created by
a young woman’s hormones….
but for me that LOVE, that relationship was real, and since then
nothing has really measured up…not even my marriages… wrong men,
wrong for me… not the kind of people that should have come that
close to me…
I am also way too aware of the lurking dangers of cynism and
bitterness….
I don’t feel really trapped by those to evil ghosts yet,
because I am an upbeat, crazy and creative person,
who don’t really have time to spend being BITTER.
Instead way too often….

…I AM IN LOVE…

…in LOVE with LIFE itself…

My inner conflict(s)….

I want to LOVE and be LOVEd, yet I don’t want to be dependent,
and forced into a situation where I must LOVE someone in order
to maintain something important to me; whether that’s an important friendship, an abstract feeling, a situation, a prospect or an object.

I want to be LOVEd with all my flaws, both physical and mental,
unconditionally
I want to LOVE and do so without limits,
not controlled by anyone or certain days, or certain ways….
or by timing..just cannot….
YET
at the same time I wonder if it’s at all meaningful,
because it creates a dependency and a desire no matter how hard
we try… hormones always win somehow….
often against better judgment !! At least in my case… sigh

It is far more complex than I have time to write down tonight.
I just wish that there were more compassion and tolerance,
and less of egoism!
Yes, in the midst of this SELF LOVE…self-pitiness…
I’m asking for less egoism around me…
but self-love and egoism aren’t quite the same to me

SELF LOVE is this below, an acceptance of the SELF without desires
or attachment to the ego, but a striving for a good behavior
that INCLUDES and ACCEPTS others, just the way they are.
It stretches beyond the ego,
and include all other SELVES in one enormous
HUG of COMPASSION.
Egoism doesn’t care about others,
it destructs and competes….

Also I want to tell you ALL FRIENDS who support me every day:

 ♡  ♡  ♡  I LOVE YOU!!   ♡  ♡  ♡

Now here is the text….I wrote about WAY up there  that my
friend sent me >>>

“Sometimes, we use so much of our time waiting and searching for someone else to fill us up and love us that we forget how much love
we all already have inside that is patiently waiting to be released.
We could find that missing piece if we turn inward and remember
how special and beautiful we are in our core.

But, more often, we forget how to release this innate gift
and fall into our own joy and divinity.
We forget to connect to our power within ourselves.

When this happens, we usually end up giving our power away
and allowing someone else to define us. We allow ourselves to
be seen through others’ eyes, and eventually, forget what we
look like through our own. 

If we search for our missing half, our soul mate, in another person
we inherently believe we are not complete without someone else.
We convince ourselves we are not whole, and we can never be whole
until we find our true love.

I believe this false notion allows us to ignore our true potential
and avoid taking responsibility for our own love and happiness
.

We end up using precious time trying to learn, accept, and love
every possible mate, while dismissing the opportunity to
learn, accept, and love ourselves.

Sometimes, we are quick to welcome all the “beautiful” and “good”
aspects of ourselves, while avoiding the “bad” and “unacceptable”
pieces within us.
Would we do that to our true love, our soulmate?
Or, would we see and accept them for who they are?

I don’t think we will ever be able to love ourselves until we
acknowledge all our different aspects—the “strong” and the “weak”—
and start giving ourselves compassion instead of judgment.
A puzzle needs all its pieces in order to be complete.”