Thank You hide – Our Pink Spider

Miura Reien – a visit to say THANKS to hide April 15th 2012

For those of you that have followed this blog a while, you know how strongly I feel about Miura Reien. This is the very spot where I felt a strong call from the pink spider and a reassurance that changing my life totally, was possible and in fact doable. All I needed was to JUMP and just BELIEVE that anything was possible, even in my life.
A call to go back to who I am, what I am all about and that daring challenges is OK.

Therefore, I come back here often, each time has been for a different reason in a way.
When I arrived back in Japan this time, April 7th around 11PM/23.00 and entered immigration I had a few days behind me filled with worrying and mental pain.
I had DOUBTs, would they let me back in? Did I have all the papers in order? WOuld I be able to control my feelings in case they would interrogate me and questioning my reasons for being in Japan? What would I do if I couldn’t get back in? Go back to what?
Life as it was before Miura May 30th, 2011…..?
I hardly slept the last days in Sydney, Australia and I felt sorry for being a nervous wreck  kind of guest at my wonderful friend Ru-chan… It was like I couldn’t fully function….

Then when I got off the plane at Haneda and approached the immigration booths I recalled an article I had just read before leaving about the importance of taking a big deep breath, and how such a physical action could really aid in calming ourselves down.
I took that big deep breath, recalled hide’s call to me, and remembered my own words….
… “I BELIEVE!!”…..

Everything went fine, and there was never any questioning, all there was were smiles and comments about my Kawaii (cute) passport photo. I went to get a new Passport in Australia so yeah it has a photo of me with Pink hair and well it’s a color photo.

Next month, May 2nd, is the sad anniversary of hide’s death (1998), and Miura Reien will be crowded with people who want to pay their respect and vent their sadness.
This fact in conjunction with the gratitude I felt for keeping the ‘promise’ to me and the wonderful chance I had this same night (Sunday April 15th) to see DIE-san at Club Sensation again in Yokohama…
Well it all added up to a need to come up here again this day.
Saturday was a painful day physically and the night was filled with pain in every joint. When I woke up this Sunday morning I immediately felt that “NO, there’s is just no way I can make it up there today!”
My illness was back full force. I was dizzy, nauseated, and my spine in so much pain that I cried in my bed when I woke up.
Around 10 am Phoe-Lo knocked at my door, and I was almost about to give up getting out of my bed and walk over to the door about 12 ft away. BUT
I mustered the will-power and did it.
Mostly I think I was disappointed … my illness had been dormant for so long that I was somehow in the delusion that it had disappeared for ever….and here it was… making itself heard again with a violent cry.
Phoe-Lo said she understood that I must stay here… and then it all hit me…

NOOOOOO! I cannot stay here! I HAVE to go! I have the tools to overcome any pain…  Pain is in the mind….

I asked her too please be patient with me today, and to help me push for what must be done…
so we went!
Slowly yes, with pain yes, BUT I did it!!
I couldn’t eat anything, I had to move carefully not to fall or black-out….

to be continued in a moment…